June 2009

Michel Platini has announced that the next time United get to a European cup final, they will play with two balls so each team can have a kick.

For Sale: 30,000 Man United Final flags – good as new – only been waved for 10 minutes

For Sale: 70,000 Man United Champions League Winners 2009 t-shirts. Contact www.overconfidentb*st*rds.com

Doctors are today carrying out tests on Nemanja Vidic by force-feeding him. It’s to see if he only chokes in big games.

Police have confirmed that they have arrested a 27 year old Manchester man on suspicion of fraud. The man named as Michael Carrick is believed to have being at the centre of an £18m scam. The man charged has been masquerading as a top class international centre midfielder for 3 years. Italian authorities have handed overwhelming evidence of the fraud to English police including video footage of his inability to retain the ball, hit long range forward passes and poor defending. An English police spokesman said ‘We are delighted this fraud has been uncovered. We have being following the suspect since similar incidents occurred in Liverpool on 13 September and Manchester in on 14 March’

Italian Police are set to release two suspects detained on suspicion of trespass in Rome without charge. The two men detained, Anderson and Sun Ji Park, trespassed upon the pitch during the Champions league final in Rome on Wednesday night. It is thought that they will not be charged as their presence on the field did not disrupt or impact on the game at all. An onlooker said ‘What were those guys doing on the pitch they ran around for up to an hour each, clearly they were not playing football. They should know that spectators who have paid to watch Xavi and Iniesta should remain seated in the stands’

Former footballer Paul Scholes has been convicted by an Italian court of assault. The accused’s conviction is as a result of a violent two footed lunge at Barcelona’s second choice holding midfielder Sergio Basquets. Unsurprisingly ‘the consistent inability to tackle’ defence put forward by the accused representative Gary Neville was dismissed by the Italian jury. During the trial the Italian courts turned down extradition applications from Spain, Germany, Portugal, France and Holland. Scholes who is known to be a serial offender for these types of assault tackles is wanted by authorities all over Europe. Interpol said today that they would be launching an investigation to determine how Scholes had evaded police for these assaults for so long.

Monday, June 8, 2009